World Beer Tour Beer Jokes

Beer Jokes

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers are considering using the FDA's suggestion that the following ten warning labels be placed on all beer containers produced in the United States.

Chicken Soup for the Alcoholic in All of Us

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober."
William Butler Yeats

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemingway

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
Catherine Zandonella

"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."
Ambrose Bierce

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol."
Anonymous

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
W.C. Fields

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
W.C. Fields

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
Frank Zappa

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
Winston Churchill

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
Jack Handy

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
Humphrey Bogart

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
Kaiser Wilhelm

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer."
Homer Simpson

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
Dave Barry

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
Homer Simpson

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the man.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"

The other guy responds proudly, "That I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about in Ireland might you be from?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am"

The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith, and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I" Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now , I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Would you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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